I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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