3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
