I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
