i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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