I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
