My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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