you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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