Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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