just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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