i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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