boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
