watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
