Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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