Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
