Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
