I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
