When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
