theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
