Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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