I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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