I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
