I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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