i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
