Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
