What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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