dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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