he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
