how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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