I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
