he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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