It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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