Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
