I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
