I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
