She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
