he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
