dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
