If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
