So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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