God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
