I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
