Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
