you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
