The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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