we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
