Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
