i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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