I wish they made helmets for livers.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't turn off my feet"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
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