Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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