got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
