Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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