I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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