Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm too high and old for this...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize