Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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