I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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