im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
