I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
