"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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