it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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