I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
