I puked a lego.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
