A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
