I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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