True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
